Your Heart's Desire
(and Why You Should Seek Him)

By Diana Laurence
(reprinted from the February 2004 Just Erotic Romance Reviews Newsletter)

You know how the moment goes: That quickening of the heart, that lovely, scary instant when you recognize the stirring of desire. I want him. No, it's more than wanting, it's needing, it's requiring, it's necessity beyond even the craving to take breath. He is…the rest of me. The answer to my soul's most desperate question. He is…somehow…everything.

And who is "he"? At different times, for different people, he is many different persons. An actor in a movie, a teacher, a singer, some guy in the produce section, the hero of a novel. Maybe a man you spoke with at a party, or heard give a speech, or took painting lessons from. Most likely you knew from the first moment that it wasn't real, though certainly you wished it could be. But at any rate, the experience was startling, the connection felt overwhelming, and no matter what your rational mind told you, your soul clearly said this:

He is my heart's desire.

"He"--the celebrity, the hero, the mysterious stranger--was not then, nor could he most likely become, a real life lover. You told yourself, "I'm dreaming, this is silly, it's just a bit of meaningless fun."

Nevertheless he was the genuine face of your own personal Heart's Desire, the being after whom your soul most desperately hungers. Psychoanalyst Carl Jung calls him the animus, the sum of those characteristics your psyche feels it lacks, and with which it fiercely seeks union in order to be complete. My personal mentor, writer Thomas Moore, calls him the Mystery Lover, the one who brings life and fulfillment. And of course, you have a name for him too--you could tell it to me right now if we were in the same room.

Some dozen years ago I was for a time madly infatuated with Sting. Oh, I wasn't in love with the real Sting, although I found his performances delightful and his personal philosophy fascinating (in fact he is the one who introduced me to Jung). His lean, muscular physique, chiseled features, and seductive voice were not lost on me either. But the one I loved, whom I dressed in Sting's appearance, was much more intimately known to me. He was a wise shaman, a guardian angel, a creature of such beauty and devotion that he was for me quite a demi-god. At that time, he was my Heart's Desire. I communed with him, as it were, through Sting's music, his image in books and on video, and my own imagined interactions with him, both erotic and platonic.

I wrote a book and created a website, www.livingbeyondreality.com, both of which discussed this subject, and through these I encountered many women who told me about their own Hearts' Desires. For example, I've communicated with ladies who are wild over actor Ewan McGregor, although some are entranced by his Christian in "Moulin Rouge" and others by his Obi-Wan Kenobi in "Star Wars." I have spoken with women drawn to the enigmatic actor Alan Rickman, who seems to exude a dark, sinister air that fascinates many. I have also met females possessed by yearning for "real" men of their acquaintance, men whom they know offer them no actual future, but whose presence in their lives nevertheless exerts amazing influence.

The Heart's Desire has been so powerful in my own life that sometimes I could not suffer his potent presence without the antidote of writing him down. This is why for many years I have written romantic erotica: it is therapeutic. The vividness of this man in my imagination is so piercing that I can do nothing else but give him "flesh," at least paper flesh, that he may live outside my own head.

And there is no delight sweeter than having a reader fall in love with him too. One of my most treasured fan letters said, "These characters of yours have been resurfacing in my mind over the past weeks…there's no doubt that you made them real." I cannot take any credit for making them real…they are in their own way quite real before I ever write them down.

The point being, your Heart's Desire is real too. He is not really Johnny Depp, nor even Captain Jack Sparrow. But that madly daring, strangely sensuous pirate is one face of the being without whom you cannot be truly whole. When you swoon over him, burn for him, visit for hours with him in your imagination, it is a sort of therapy, or growth, or worship--an exercise in living more fully.

And when you read erotic romances, you are again seeking your Heart's Desire. You're playing with him, pretending for the day that you are this story's heroine and he is its hero. When you find a story that resonates with you, it is because of the resemblance between the protagonist and your own Mystery Lover. Such a story will make your spirit rejoice, spark hours of vivid imaginings, bring you such color and music that it spills over into your real life activities and personal interactions.

Thomas Moore writes, "The mystery lover comes not just to satisfy our sexual longing, but to complete our lives. We should take our desires seriously, even the most mundane, because they may signal the presence of the angel partner, the deeply interior lover, who alone is responsible for the creation of a life." (The Soul of Sex¸ p. 238)

He is right: we should not belittle these encounters with our Heart's Desire. Don't think of him as "just some hot guy picking out avocados." Ask yourself, what drew you so to him? Did he wear his hair long, did he have an interestingly Renaissance look, like a poet or an artist? Did he have a powerful build, did he make you feel deliciously small and weak in his presence? Was he wearing a leather jacket that said heavy metal guitarist? Did he frown over the avocados in an intriguing way, so that you almost considered addressing him on the subject of guacamole?

And then, what if he made guacamole for you, if he offered you a taste of it on a spoon, and a bit of the green stuff went astray on your chin, and he wiped it off gently with one finger, his eyes meeting yours with that same intriguing frown...?

You see how it goes with him, your Heart's Desire; if you give him an inch, he will simply take all of you.

But to return to my point, give consideration to your Heart's Desire. What can he tell you about yourself? That wild, unquenchable passion he inspires in you...what specifically is it he makes you long for? As for me, I am often captivated by the Puer, the Eternal Youth, the sort of guy who is a perpetual child at heart, who loves to play and has an untamable spirit. It is largely because I myself am very much a mother sort: always responsible, everyone's caretaker. He is my opposite, and I adore everything about him that I am not. No doubt because, deep down, he is exactly what I truly am.

If I give him the opportunity, he always enriches my life. Songs are lovelier, food tastes better, the view out my window is more interesting. His presence makes me more at peace, stronger, better able to be more fully myself. I am a more productive worker, a more supportive wife and mother, a more devoted and passionate lover. Bless him, he is ever and always my inspiration and delight.

As, I'm sure, your Heart's Desire is for you.

So, it's Valentine's Day. Not a bad occasion to celebrate your Heart's Desire along with the others you love. Why not plan a little rendezvous soon, in a good love song, a romantic movie, or--why not?--a well-written erotica story. The wonderful thing I've found about him is that he is always waiting and available, and although he always has his own agenda. Now, for example, he's in the mood to chide me on the subject of this holiday, which he believes has no spontaneity and is mostly a marketing scam. I love how his eyes flash when he is irritated this way.

Him: So, you deliberately provoked me because you like how my eyes flash?
Me: You know that's not true.
Him: It's not true that you like how my eyes flash? Now don't pretend you don't, I know you're lying.
Me: Now you're just trying to pick a fight. And stop looking at me like that.
Him: (eyes flashing irresistibly) Like what?
Me: Ohhhh, stop it.
Him: (with evil laugh) Told you so.

Sigh. Well, you know how the moment goes: That quickening of the heart, and all that. There's not much for it, when you're dealing with your Heart's Desire.

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